I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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