It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
