your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
