The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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