how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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