I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
