i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm like, not good at living.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
