Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
they're like a gay fantastic four
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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