I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
