wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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