I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
