They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
