I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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