Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
