The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
