I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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