I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
