she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
