Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
