does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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