Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Blood and glitter go together right?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
