if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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