He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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