I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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