just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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