I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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