Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
