Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize