I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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