I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
