not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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