FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
operation have a gay friend backfired
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
