mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
