dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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