In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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