I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
