i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
