Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
