I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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