It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
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EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
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Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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