So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
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Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
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It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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