So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My pussy is not your playground.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
