Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
