i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
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