Where is the hickey?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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