I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
