Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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