sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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