I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
