i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
