P.S. I can't hear my feet
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
and you fell through a lawn chair
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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