You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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