I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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