I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
