If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
