I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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